Grief Support
Grief is a weird subject that still remains a taboo. We dodge the issue of death even as it is the most natural, unavoidable circumstance that humans face.
I recently lost my sister-in-law, aged 25. She was a friend, auntie and sister for us. She died after a battle with cancer. The ravaging illness could never take the grace, courage and strength that was within her.
We have, and are, learning notable things treading this path of loss. Death is prevalent, it invades all our lives. Yet that isn’t matched by how much we share our experiences of it with one another. It is all the more odd that subjects of grief and death are avoided when we consider it is a constant in every person’s life.
I want to share these thoughts sensitively knowing that grief for every single person is different. We have been so supported by friends and family and we are incredibly grateful for that. These are just some of the aspects that personally we have found really helpful and also some things we have learnt that I wanted to share in the hope it helps you to support others going through grief.
Try not to avoid the subject
It’s okay to ask how someone is doing directly relating to their grief. Feeling like you are ‘intruding’ or ‘forcing them to talk about it’ can be the consequence of a fear of causing awkwardness or not wanting to trigger emotion. This time is not about you. Your friend can choose if they reply or how much detail they share - asking the question shows that they know you care.
We’ve had a lot of teary conversations and I am sure many to come. Friends who created a safe space and allowed our emotion to come out and just sit with us in it made so much difference.
Be patient
Grief is so complex. There are so many emotions; I actually often describe ‘grief’ as an umbrella term that encompasses so much. Sadness, loss, relief, anger, frustration, jealousy, regret, pain, fondness, joy and also hope. Your friend may not be able to explain or express even a fraction of them. They may not be able to really have a normal conversation for a while. Be patient, keep checking in - they need you.
I vividly remember joining a FaceTime with some other friends shortly after my sister-in-law died. They did not do anything wrong at all, just chatting about life and general things. But, I just found I could not join in. I didn’t know how to chit chat about light things and laugh about random stuff. All I could think about was the huge pain and loss and how irrelevant everything else felt.
Be patient with your friend, there is so much going on in their minds and thoughts - it’s physically and emotionally draining. In the early days I had so many unread messages from friends and family and seeing them there brought so much comfort even if I didn’t have the energy to reply that day.
Be practical to show love
Just do something - send flowers, an Uber Eats voucher, a Hello Fresh box, a card, or something totally random. It goes a really long way. Your grieving friend doesn’t know what they need or it’s likely too draining to think.
Asking ‘let me know if you need anything’ will often get no response yet they do need you to just do something. It will most certainly be appreciated and remembered. Everything that came for us in the post brought a smile for that moment, which, in the early days of grief is so needed.
Grief isn’t something you ‘get over’
The person lost will never be ‘moved on’ from. A friend will move forward but they will carry their grief and their loss with them forever. A happy picture or a good day doesn’t mean the pain has gone. Be careful with language used, it can alienate and make the person feel they are ‘still’ a burden. In the same way it’s not something you get over after the funeral or a few weeks after. Put a reminder in for 3 months, 6 months, a year, the birthday of the person they lost or Christmas. These events are easy not to remember for everyone else, but for your grieving friend they are poignant days marked by emptiness. Having you check in makes all the difference.
Just listen
Comparing your grief to something you experienced or another friend experienced isn’t always helpful. Just listen to your friend instead.
Grief is personal and every situation is different. We’ve seen firsthand that even two people grieving the same person can have very different journeys. We have different memories, conversations and experiences that triggers emotions individually. Neither is right or wrong, it’s just different. Appreciating and listening to where your friend is at is so important. Sometimes we think we need to add value by giving advice and opinion but most of the time, with grief, just listen. That is adding huge value.
My hope is these points will help as you continue to support those around you also going through grief.
